Not so long ago several really challenging male clients of mine again have claimed that “all the ladies want me”, “all the sexy mamas are choosing me”, “I know I am very hot” and my personal favourites “I could easily work as a male model” and “I know all the ladies think about sex when they look at me”.

All these gentlemen are really good guys, mostly Americans in their 38-50, never married and have no kids. To be honest none of them has the body that makes teenaged girls gone gaga. One of them has a pretty big belly and the other three have started to grow bellies. One of the gentlemen has decided to colour his grey hair and now he looks like the biggest admirer of Donald Trump.

The funniest thing is that they all have great personality that so many ladies would find attractive, but their low self-esteem plays a really bad joke with them – it pushes them to appear super confident, which they are not. It pushes them to play the role of “the sexy super confident ladies’ guy” which they are not. Instead of showing the ladies their strong side – the personality, they try to show the world their not very sexy side – the belly, which in the eyes of the ladies has to look like an impressive six-pack, but it doesn’t. Well, probably if the lady is not sober enough or has spent too much time under the sun without a hat she would think so.

As a professional matchmaker I can open a huge secret to you – mature experienced ladies really value personality more than the looks.

For example if I have a 50 years old male client, who is successful professionally, well-travelled, witty, has no kids from previous marriage and he is comfortable and confident in his own skin and as we the professional matchmakers often tell each other “has realistic expectations” then of course I can promise him the introduction to lady who is 33-38 years old (12-17 years younger). To my female client I will tell the truth of course, but I will choose which fact to put first. I will start saying that this is Bill. He has a university degree in Law and masters in management. He works for a big Law Company in Philadelphia for 15 years already. He is never married and has no kids. He loves spending time with his 3 nephews. He is close with his mother, who has just turned 78 years old. Bill enjoys riding a bicycle and watching musicals. He has traditional family values and dreams about having children.

All these facts are true facts of course and in the eyes of the lady they look like a huge billboard with the words “good guy = marriage material”. In her head she already imagines how she meets his mother, introduces him to her daughter and thinks if their child will inherit his eyes. After telling about Bill I would show his picture to the lady. The fact that he is a decent intelligent man will be much more important for her than the fact that he has a belly and is not tall. In her imagination Bill is already teaching their son riding a bicycle.

Now let’s assume I have spent too much time under the sun and have decided to introduce Bill to a tall 22 years old brunette, who dreams to wear only designer clothes but lives with her female friend at a cheap apartment in suburbs. Young age makes her think that all the men at this planet have to make her happy just because she is “young and beautiful”. Life hasn’t taught her yet that relationship requires compromise. This lady will look at Bill photos and think that all her friends will find him old and not attractive. Also she will think that he is 6 years older than her father. Of course Bill can buy her attention with gifts but will it be long lasting? Tomorrow at gym she will meet a 24 years old blond with a perfect six-pack who will lift her up easily with one hand and she will fall in love with his beauty, youth and strong hands. How about Bill? He will feel betrayed heartbroken and maybe even scammed. For this lady being a “marriage material” means different thing than for a lady from the previous example, because they have different life experience. Perhaps after several relationships and heartbreaks our now 22 years old brunette will change her attitude to the type of a man she finds attractive but then she won’t be 22 any more.

Dear gentleman, girls love confident man, but they don’t like lies and men who can’t keep their word or promise. When the gentleman puts an old photo of himself in the dating profile or lies about his height or weight at the first face-to-face meeting the lady will see and understand that you have lied. She will feel betrayed and for sure she will decide not to see you again any more.

Another common mistake is hiding true information about your income. It is ok to be afraid of gold diggers and take precautions because you don’t want to attract them. But pretty often men fall into another extreme. They take pictures next to expensive cars of their friends, uncles or bosses, brag about expensive places they have attended, etc. Men try to create the image of a successful truly well off person who they are not. Of course sooner or later the truth will come out. The lady can start thinking “if he is so rich why did he buy me just three roses, perhaps he is not serious about me”.

Pretty often men are looking for a young beautiful lady who will make other guys feel jealous. It is not a secret that ladies are looking for a man who is smart and ambitious enough to have a decent job or build a business that will let him provide for his family. The nature has ordered so that ladies are the one who get pregnant and give birth. During this time it is hard and sometimes impossible for them to work and earn money, so to every normal lady it is important to know that the man by her side is capable of taking care of her and her child. So if the gentleman has lied about being successful professionally and financially it basically equals the fact he wasted his and her time. She will think he is a liar and is not mature enough to have a family and also he is not comfortable with who he is. The gentleman will think “all she wants is money”.

It is fantastic to be confident, but it is even more important to be honest with yourself and with the lady in front of you. Don’t forget that you should treat people the way you should be treated yourself. Instead of “being sexy and knowing it” make her know and feel that you are sexy with your actions and attitude. She will appreciate it and lay all her love on you.

From Svetlana Mukha, with love.