5 Biggest Deal Breakers in a Relationship
As unromantic as it sounds but every relationship is some kind of deal, which has its terms and conditions. Two people establish these terms and when one of the party fails to fulfill them, there is a reason to break the agreement. There are no perfect relationships, where things go absolutely smooth and you don`t have to deal with anything to make it better. There is always a way to grow with a partner unless it is a toxic person.
But each person has a list of things in mind, which he or she would never tolerate that are called deal breakers, what are they? They are factors, which you consider if you are going to say “I am done” or not, no matter how much you love the person. You cannot put up with it.
To have a list of deal breakers for dating is a good way to stay away from abusive relationship and to know your boundaries. It might be different for every single person. You should decide and think about the meaning of a deal breaker for you. If you don`t know, you will waste time and efforts with a partner who doesn’t worth it. You will forever compromise and feel frustrated all the time. Life is too short, value every day!
What`s a deal breaker in a relationship? It is a negotiable condition, which kills the agreement.
I would like to share with you five relationship red flags and deal breakers, which you certainly must NOT put up with:
- Lying about any small things in a relationship is an alert to pay your close attention to a partner. When you trust a partner, there is no space for lying at all, either big or small. Your beloved one is transparent with you, there are no major secrets. Let`s imagine at the beginning of dating you haven’t noticed any bad habits which your partner may do. She doesn’t smoke, she doesn’t drink and keeps to a healthy diet. But recently you have noticed a smell of alcohol few times and mood swings. When you ask a question did you have a drink after work? There is nothing bad in that actually, but your partner assures you that absolutely not. She explains it that she just took a cough syrup, which has the same smell like alcohol. Later on you found out that she was with friends in a bar after work. Does she try to hide the fact that had a drink once not to frustrate you or she hides a fact that she saw her friends? You should think about it and find out the answer. Either she didn`t want to inform you because you always nag her about meeting her friends, that`s why she lied or you expressed your opinion before about consuming alcoholic drinks. If it is the case, you should talk to her. If there are any other reasons behind it, it should be a red flag for you. If you spend more time doubting what your partner said or did, is it worth the stress?
- Anger. It is ok to have emotions and sometimes they are not very pleasant. But mature adult people learn how to cope with them. When anger and disappointment becomes a habit, it is hard to manage and your relationship turns into an unbearable coexistence.
- Drastic views on life and future plans. If one aims only at materialistic pleasures: having an expensive car, luxurious vacations, villas, living in a big cosmopolitan city and the other one finds peace and comfort in small city or even a village, dreaming about a farm and kids, then it is definitely not a solid ground for healthy relationship. You might be good friends who can have fun together at the weekend, but not as equal partners who will share common plans.
- Dealing with selfishness in a relationship is really hard if you are not that kind of person. If you care about other person, devote your time and expect the same, then it is going to be hard for you to accept selfishness. It is healthy to support each other, be understanding and truly care about your partner`s life. If you approach a partner after a tiring week, seeking comfort and support and receive nothing but an indifferent face or you want to share your worries and meet the same reaction constantly, maybe there is lack of interest and care. How to deal with a selfish girlfriend? Everyone is selfish to some extent, it is good to express self-love and self-respect when it is within common sense. But if it is not regular, but still it bothers you, follow this guide:
- Speak up. Sometimes the person is just not aware until he or she is told so. Instead of being aggressive and putting the blame, try to talk and express what actually bothers you.
- Understanding where such behavior comes from. What are the roots? It might be a negative past experience. It doesn’t mean you have to accept it, but knowing the bottom of it, may give you tools for solution.
- Be patient. In order for someone to change, it will take some time. But first, decide if you really want it.
- If you have made your best efforts and you don`t see any change, then move on.
There are still some deal breakers when to work on a relationship is still possible:
- Sex became a rare thing in your bed. It is fixable if both of you want it. It is possible to light the fire again by adding romance and passion. You can do it by organizing romantic date nights, be intimate not only in bed, but in other locations.
- Your partner lost interest, she doesn’t have any hobbies. You may help her in it. If you are occupied with something exciting, invite your significant one to share joy with you.
- The desire to have space. Sometimes we don`t need anyone to listen, sometimes it is just silence and your own thoughts. It depends on the person`s character. Someone is more open and would like to have a shoulder to cry on, someone prefers to be on his own. If your girlfriend is one of those who prefers silence, give her time.
What are the signs that your relationship is ending?
Sometimes we do hold people out of fear of being alone. I will share with you a story of my female friend and maybe it is going to help you to make a decision. She has been dating a guy for 7 years, they started being together since 18 years old. When they were 18, it was so much fun. She was a student at university, he decided not to enter a higher educational institution. She was studying and he started working straight after school. He seemed very responsible to her at that age, earning money and providing for both of them. She was very determined, studied a lot, but still they had a good time together. They started to be like brother and sister, created a very strong bond. When she graduated from university, he was still working at the same place as a builder. She got her first job as a teacher and her world changed a lot. She was striving for new knowledge, attending the seminars and learning new foreign languages. Her life was completely different from his, she actually was realizing it somewhere deep down from the very beginning when he refused to get an education. Intellectual compatibility was really important in a partner for her. Coming back home from work, she shared with him new ways of teaching, her dreams and goals. He was just nodding, in return telling her about his job as builder. She felt lack of connection. She started to think about future kids, she wanted a father to be intellectually developed too. She offered him to participate in language course with her, but he refused again, explaining that actually studies were never his cup of tea. They started to fight a lot, but kept being together. There was lack of trust, abuse and anger. Even though they both realized that was the end, they kept suffering, because they spent so much time together. It was a fear of new relationship from both sides. They wasted time and efforts. At the end, he just cheated, because he couldn`t cope with her constant complains. He started dating a girl who had the same background like him and they really understand each other well. She was suffering a lot after a break up and couldn`t even think about meeting other guys for 2 years. It took her time to be back to normal life, 2 years at young age is really too much. But what if he didn`t cheat or just didn`t tell her? They would continue being in toxic relationship for years without future. Luckily she met a man later, who proposed to her in half a year. And he was all she was dreaming about in all senses. The moral of the story is that inevitable will happen, if there is no future in relationship and you clearly can see it, be courageous enough to make a decision.