Compromise in relationships

– How did the argument with your wife end?

– Oh, we have found a compromise.

I accepted the fact that she was right; she agreed.

In this joke, the husband has chosen the example of compromise at the expense of his own point of view. On the other hand, does it mean it is necessary to compromise for love at all costs? Let us try to make out what the definition of compromising is and how it differs from self-denial as well as when compromising in a marriage is not appropriate.

The most vital thing about compromises in a relationship is not to mistake them for concessions. It is not like: “Well, I actually do not think so, still for love I will concede”. A true “agreement” between a man and a woman is a way out of a conflict they choose to take. It is not necessary to sacrifice your opinions as self-denial is a bad price for trying to reach harmony in a couple. Therefore, it is very important to protect personal limits and values, as well as follow your intuition and try to cooperate as two loving people.

They say real love demands self-denial. Still, it is not true as a real feeling needs nothing. Self-denial is the way for a person, who is not self-confident, wants to seem good, is really afraid to stay lonely, and sees himself as a victim. Such people deny responsibility, it is easier for them to agree than to be responsible for their actions and choices. “Let’s have it your way, dear”, the victim will say, rejecting their wishes as well as responsibilities for taking them, and later, during a quarrel, they will not forget to reproach their dear and remind what sacrifice they have made for them.

One may think that any decisions meaning compromise will help to find harmony and one has to strive for it. However, it is better not to make concessions when it comes to the following points:

  • your life principles like religion, family and friends, love for travel, career, bringing up children, and non-acceptance of lies. So, if you understand you cannot keep up with cheating, it is better to break up with the partner, who has abused your feelings. It is also your right to see your friends, make a career, visit your family, even if your better half does not like it. Don’t sacrifice yourself for these issues.
  • safety. If the partner harms you physically, threatens or bullies you, never think of how to compromise in a relationship. Save yourself, they hardly love you and are not worth any concessions.
  • dreams and ambitions. Rejecting them for your beloved, you live someone else’s life. Do not sacrifice your dreams for love – the person, who truly loves you, will not accept such a sacrifice.

Having discussed the situations, when one shouldn’t think of compromising, it is quite fair to mention the ones in which it is vital to go for a common decision.

  1. Manners and etiquette. For example, your lady has been brought up in a family, where it was a usual thing for her father to work and mother do the housekeeping. Naturally, your beloved wants to have a family like this. So, it is absolutely reasonable to let her do what she is good at without making her find a job, etc. especially, if you earn enough. In such a case, you will always be happy to come back home, see it cleaned, and eat tasty dinners.
  2. When you have to accept the fact, the other person is right. I can share a personal example. One of my male friends, who has an insanely gorgeous body, had a nude photoshoot. He is very active on Instagram, so he was hesitating whether to show these nude pictures to the world or not. His girlfriend was totally against it. My friend was disappointed with the fact that he had to “hide” his creation. He didn’t listen to the GF and made a post that helped him promote. Still, instead of reproaches and discontent, his lady supported him, which was her compromise.
  3. When it is of no importance to you but pleases your partner. For example, before meeting my husband, I used to like visiting sushi bars and hardly ever went to grill restaurants or pubs. However, my man hates sushi, so, we visit other restaurants more often now, even though I am not a big fan of meat. Nevertheless, such visits make my beloved happy, which makes me content as well. In such a situation, I believe, the exchange is worthy.

So, why is it important to compromise? What’s it like in relationships between people? It is nothing but mutually beneficial concessions. If you notice you abandon your interests in favor of your partner, but get nothing back, it is a good reason to stop. Where did you forget about yourself? How did you let your partner take without giving back? Love is a bilateral equation. So, when only one person contributes and the other only accepts the contributions, the contributor feels useless and unimportant. Such disbalance leads to splitting up. And vice versa, if both a man and a woman cherish what they have, respect each other, and make reasonable agreements, they are bound to succeed.

If you do want to find a real compromise, look through the following advice. Understandably, each separate case will have a different solution, still, there are several common rules, which can help to reach the agreement.

  1. State your point of view clearly and without negative emotions to your dear.
  2. Ask them to do the same and listen carefully without interrupting. It is absolutely important to listen not only with your ears, but analyze the opponent’s posture, non-verbal signals of their body, etc. by doing so, you are bound to understand the true motives, get the point, think over the received information, and find the solution to please both of you.
  3. Define the points where you can make a concession without harming your interests.
  4. Offer your partner to give up some of their complaints.
  5. Try to find a solution that will be beneficial for both of you.
  6. In no circumstances see your opponent as an enemy despite different opinions on the problem. You might find something in common considering other questions.
  7. Do not try to put psychological pressure on the interlocutor to make them accept your point. It won’t help; on the contrary, your opponent is very likely to lose temper and you won’t escape a row!
  8. Do not provoke a person, who has a different opinion to yours, to start groundless disputing.
  9. Be friendly and attentive. Show interest in the person and the point they are trying to express. With all your appearance show you are engaged and give a warm smile. Such actions activate productive discussions.
  10. Finally, in search of a compromise in relationships, it is most important not to deviate from the subject of disagreement, do not get personal, and do not remember old grievances. Stay calm. Otherwise, you will never ever reach an agreement.

Good luck.

Valeria Matskevich with Love.