Not so long ago I came across the following question from a man: he was head over hills in love with his girlfriend, but one day he found out that she had had about 10 sexual partners before she started going out with him. The man was shocked, he did not know what to do. On the one hand he saw her as his wife, on the other hand he thought the girl was not decent enough for that mission. Then a couple of our clients had a similar situation and we decided to help them. We have made a survey and asked our friends to tell us what they think you should do with your girlfriend’s sexual history.
Alex: The first thing you should do if you happen to be in such a situation, is think whether you are ready to accept the reality or not. The problem is that we often idealize women we love and when we learn some “darkening” information, our miss Perfect becomes not so perfect. The best advice on how to deal with your girlfriend’s sexual history is to understand that neither you, nor she or other person in this world is perfect. Now you finally see your woman the way she is. However, she has not changed. You have fallen in love with her despite the fact that you are not her first or second sexual partner. Maybe this is why she is so sexy and this is why you like her so much. Neither you nor your girlfriend have to fit in each other’s standards. If you want to be happy, if you feel good with her, you just have to accept her the way she is, with all her drawbacks and strange habits.
Max: If you want to know my opinion, I think that you cannot put up with your girlfriend’s sexual history because you have some fear. Probably, knowing that your girl has had so many partners, you are afraid that she will quickly find some other man and leave you. Then what you have to do first is to start with rising your self-esteem. Be self confident, first love yourself and the girl will reflect your love like a mirror and so you will come over your fear. Then accept your girlfriend the way she is, carefree and not valuing her body… you both will start changing and then you will have a chance to find harmony in your relationship.
Eugene: We have to accept what we cannot change. Teasing yourself with thoughts about how to deal with your girlfriend’s sexual history, you are just spoiling everything. Not only you are suffering, but your girlfriend too. Everything you are so worried about is already a thing of past. You may know already everything about your girl, or there may be more secrets to discover and you have to decide whether you want to be with this person or not. If you choose to stay with her, you accept her past too. Just trust your intuition and follow your heart.
Alexander: If your girlfriend’s sexual history is so rich, it is not because she does not value her body. This could be because she had some childhood trauma like the lack of her parents’ attention. She could have been looking for it in such a way. She did not want to have sex with as many partners as possible. What she wanted is warmth and care. Therefore, if you choose to understand her and forgive, you will love her even more, since apart from the feeling of critics, you will also feel sympathy and understanding to the girl’s inner pain.
Valeriia (me): The first thing I can say is that if you are worried about your girlfriend’s sexual history, remember that it is history. And you could fall in love with her thanks to this history. Moreover, she is not your first sexual partner either. Do you think she does not care about that? If you do love the girl, let the past stay in past, build the present together and think about the future.
Summarising the above information,
Here are the steps which will help you to find the way to deal with your girlfriend’s sexual history:
* rise your self-esteem. You will become more self-confident and you will not care about the girl’s sexual experience.
* get rid of fears, especially of the fear to stay alone.
* remember about the sense of humour and irony – this will let you overcome any problems easily and do without dramatizing the situation.
* find the way to control yourself and free your negative emotions, which will let you throw them out of your head rather then rewind over and over.
* if nothing helps, but you do want to stay with the girl, address a professional. A good psychologist will definitely help you. Good luck!