How to make chemistry happen?
It’s a tricky topic and many singles and married couples pay particular attention to a so-called “sparkle”. Let’s start by thinking about what causes chemistry between two people. Can you feel it with just one person or with multiple people? Does it always have a sexual context? As a professional matchmaker who schedules thousands of dates every year, I can confess that attraction and so-called sparkle are way overrated. Many singles crave insta-love that is glamorized by movies and romantic novels. People expect butterflies in their stomachs or some truly unique feelings and get distracted from a story his or her date is actually sharing with them, miss the joke, or totally forget to invest into a conversation too, make a funny comment or give a compliment.
Let’s answer the question – what is chemistry between people. Let’s start by dividing it into long-term and short-term. If we are talking about long-term chemistry it includes similar long-term goals and aspirations, dreams and plans, also mutual interests and preferences. For example, when both a man and a woman really want to create a family and have kids within the next 3-5 years and they start sharing their dreams during the date and find that the person in front of them wants similar things – for sure it will ignite mutual interest. Try to imagine an opposite scenario: a man who really wants to have a family with 2 or 3 kids meets a lady whom he finds very attractive but during their second meeting she starts talking about her goals and dreams – to finish her Ph.D. project, to get that promotion, to take a long vacation and to spend it on Bali and then in Japan, to buy a fancy apartment in the downtown walking distance to all good restaurants and theaters, to enjoy life and all accomplishments and to share this with someone specials – to fall in love. If the gentleman is smart and not too infatuated by the looks of the lady and the image that he has created in his mind that this beautiful, sophisticated, successful lady will change her dreams and goals to align with his goals and instead of taking her dream job and buying an apartment in downtown will marry him, relocate to a small town by the forest and will have three babies in four years. If you are smart – he will understand that the woman in front of him is not the right match.
The romantic connection between two people should be built on similar long-term goals and dreams. Physical attraction is important, but it is just one of the layers of strong healthy feelings.
Now try to imagine the same lady from the example on a date with another gentleman. He is also working on his Ph.D. or maybe just did his MBA and now wants to focus on meeting a beautiful, intelligent, accomplished woman with whom he will talk about politics, economical theories. With this lady he will travel, perhaps even relocate to another city or country to truly get to know the culture while working remotely. With such a woman by his side, he can attend all professional conferences and feel pride that out of all men in the world she has chosen him.
And what about short-term chemistry? Usually, it is just an infatuation that consists of physical attraction and your attitude – you romanticize your partner and his or her feelings towards you, also you romanticize relationship and love in general.
As a professional matchmaker who has been scheduling dates and watching singles fall for similar dating mistakes for more than a decade, I can point out signs of strong lasting chemistry between two people:
• Similar long-term goals and dreams
• Mutual interests
• Similar understanding and attitude to gender roles in the family, relationship, religion, and money.
• Similar level of attractiveness
• Physical attraction.
Of course, if we are talking about long-term infatuation such signs will be different:
• Physical attraction
• Your date matches your theoretical ideas of a “perfect partner”. For example, she is blond, petite, she is 28 years old, a nurse, she is never married, and doesn’t have kids from a previous relationship. On paper, she seems perfect.
• She matches the idea of Instagram beauty.
Strong physical attraction very often can mean that you haven’t been in an intimate relationship for a while and here you are – in front of a hot woman who is flirting with you shamelessly.
Sometimes people also confuse an easy-going bubbly personality with butterflies in the stomach. Some people are just natural storytellers or it can be an imprint of professional background.
For example, we have scheduled a date for one of our male clients with a lady from our database – she is a very attractive 42 years old medical doctor who speaks fluent English and French and teaches at medical school for foreign students. She is very easy-going and has a great sense of humor. She feels comfortable being in front of a big audience. Not only she teaches her students, but she is also often invited to speak at professional conferences in Western and Eastern Europe. She knows how to make a great first impression, break the ice with a funny joke and initiate questions.
After the date, the gentleman has claimed they have shared a real emotional connection and he felt so at ease with her. He claimed she was his soulmate.
The lady said the gentleman appeared shy and not confident, so she has tried to make him relax with a few jokes and compliments, but perhaps she overdid it in a sense he has stopped trying. She ended up doing most of the talking and entertained him with stories and jokes, she has initiated most of the questions which she actually had to answer while our client has mostly limited his answers to “yes” and “no”.
So how to create a spark with someone? First of all, do not be selfish and sincerely try to make a person in front of you comfortable and entertained. Make sure you watch her body language: is she relaxed, smiling, and leaning toward you. Second, smile! For almost 13 years already I introduce international singles who crave extra romance and adventures in their life. I have no doubts that smile is international. Two people can speak totally different languages in their everyday life but they can communicate so much towards each other with a simple earnest smile. When you meet your date – smile at her. Tell her a sincere compliment: for example, that she is so much more beautiful in person than in her photos. Third, be honest! If you are nervous during your first meeting – tell to her. There is no need to play an experienced macho if you haven’t been on a real date for 5 years. A woman in front of you will see right through your artificial self-confidence.
How to develop chemistry in a relationship? Spend time together! To love a person, you have to really like a person, and to get there you have to get to know her. If you are still at the early stage of your acquaintance it is a great idea to add additional romantic anticipation and tension. If we are talking about international dating then the whole idea that a man is flying 8 hours to have a date with you will make such a date very unusual for a woman. She will spend hours thinking about what it will be like, choosing a dress and a pair of matching shoes. Such a meeting will definitely stand out among other introductions. For example, meeting someone on Tinder or in the coffee shop. Surprise her! Send flowers to her office after your date with a cute note, take a horseback riding lesson or go ice-skating together, try a new cuisine – share a new experience together.
How to build chemistry in a relationship? Have the right attitude, choose the right partner, be creative, and try to give your partner emotions, attention, time, support, and love. If you were smart when choosing the right lady – then she in turn will give you her love, attention, time, and support.
The real question is how to keep chemistry in relationships?
Being aware that engagement or even a wedding are just natural steps in the development of your relationship, which will require romance, attention, and mutual constant desire to make it work.