I have decided to bring up this topic because several clients of mine have asked me this same question last week. One of the gentlemen, for example, has already travelled to Kharkov, Ukraine and had several dates, but unfortunately none of these dates turned out into lasting relationship. Well, this is life and it happens. People meet and both want it to work out, but stupid chemistry is simply not there. Now he is communicating with the lady from Kharkov, Ukraine and he is afraid she will ask him whether he has ever been to her country or city. Should he tell her the truth? But her next logical question will be “did you come to my country in business or to date another girl”? Another gentleman has asked me the same question and has suggested the answer himself. He told me he would tell her “half truth”. He would tell her that he really has visited several cities in Ukraine, but he will lie about his reasons. He would tell her he did sightseeing, like he did in Paris and New-York.
The question is to tell the truth, “half truth”, to lie or to avoid this topic? What to do?
If he tells her he has already travelled to Ukraine to meet another girl, but it didn’t work out, perhaps she will think that he is just a sex tourist with no serious intentions or he is simply a loser and no one wants to date losers, right? Or she can ask him another dangerous question “How many “other girls” did you date”?
As a professional matchmaker and dating coach I often tell my clients that each case is unique because every person is unique and has unique dating experience and background.
10 years of professional international matchmaking experience taught me that lies are usually bad, however truth can also hurt and damage potential relationship especially at the early stage.
I would recommend using 8 rules, but to keep in mind that each case is unique:
- Don’t start your first off-line date or first letter (if you are using a dating site for example) with the super truth “You know I have already been to Ukraine 3 times. I have been to Odessa, Kherson and Nikolayev”. This would give the wrong first impression. Instead of concentrating on getting to know you better she will occupy her mind with the thought “What is wrong with this guy? He is a sex tourist or something? 3 times is a lot and he still hasn’t met anyone. He must be really picky or not serious”. This is not the good first impression, is it?
- Don’t give exact numbers. Don’t tell how many ladies you have dated. Even if these were just 3 girls and usually you don’t have 3 dates per week in your everyday life, but she will still think it is too much. This information won’t create you an aura of super macho. Instead she will think you are a womanizer.
- Never give too many details. Don’t tell her the names, professions and ages of the ladies you went out with. Don’t tell her that you went to this same restaurant. Even if you were all alone here having just lunch and checking your Facebook page in her eyes you had a date at this restaurant and perhaps you were even seating at the same table and for sure you have ordered the same wine and SHE is just one of many. This is not a good start. Trust me, every girl wants to feel unique and special at her date.
- Don’t post photos of your trip to Ukraine in your dating profile and don’t show these pictures during your first date. Why? Because you don’t want to bring too much attention to the fact you have been here and obviously dated someone. One of my clients went to the law conference in Odessa for 3 days several years ago. When he has mentioned this fact to the ladies they smiled mischievously and asked him whether he dated someone. He started telling he went to the conference and didn’t even have a chance to do sightseeing. In the eyes of the ladies these were just excuses and he was hiding something. After the dates each lady has asked me if I knew he has already travelled to Ukraine and if I knew how many ladies he has dated. Well, sometimes ladies are too suspicious.
- Don’t tell super truth together with a super lie. I will give you an example: “I went to Ukraine 3 times, but I didn’t date anyone”. Really? Do you think now she is not suspicious at all? Now she thinks that you have no doubts she is naïve or even stupid. Not a great start.
- Don’t bring this topic up yourself. This topic is not safe. Why to bring a not safe topic during the shaky first stage of relationship? First three dates or 5 letters is not the time for super truth, super lie or shaky topic. I always recommend my clients to use only safe topics at this stage. If you want to learn more about safe topic leave a comment below and I will cover this topic in the next article or video.
- If the lady brought this topic up, don’t give it too much attention, distract the lady and get back to the safe topic. Of course you should answer her question. Simply ignoring it won’t give you points in the eyes of the lady. Choose carefully which part of the story you want to share with the lady and move to another topic. Don’t make this topic the priority of your date.
- It is very important not to be negative about your previous experience in Ukraine. Even if your dates were not successful and didn’t turn out into relationship tell the lady only about the positive moments. For example, you can tell the lady that even though your last date in Ukraine was not successful, because unfortunately there was no chemistry, you had a good impression about Ukrainian culture, mentality of Ukrainian people and you had a great time exploring the city and trying Ukrainian cuisine. Which I hope is true. And also you can tell that you felt a strong connection with Ukrainian culture and now you know for sure that you want to date a Ukrainian lady. You can add that it is sad you had to do sightseeing alone and hope that this time you will have a beautiful interesting company like the lady in front of you. If you start telling sad or negative stories, that the lady you dated, for example, “wanted only your money” or has refused to see you again, or was not as beautiful as her pictures in the dating profile, then the lady in front of you can think that 1. You are a negative person. 2. You are disrespectful. Even if the lady you went out with was more interested in having a meal, than talking to you, perhaps you were not bringing up interesting topics to catch her attention. The lady in front of you will think that if it won’t work out for two of you, then you will be discussing her in the negative way with another lady. 3. She can assume no one wanted to date you and probably those ladies had a reason for that. Perhaps she won’t even bother to dig deep enough to find out why you didn’t receive a second date or why that girl from your last trip has decided to give you the wrong email address.
I always tell my clients that dating should be fun. Flirting and corresponding on-line with a potential off-line date should be fun too. The trick is to avoid difficult or shaky topics and to use safe topic at the first stage of communication with the Ukrainian lady. Try to learn more about her and show the strongest sides of yours. You have a great sense of humor – show it to her. You have read many interesting books or have a great taste in music – you can share these passions of yours with your date. You have a good travel experience – then why not to tell her about your travelling adventures and sights that you have seen. If you smoke, hate sport and still live with your parents – this is the truth that you shouldn’t hide, but at the same time don’t throw it to her face in the first 5 lines that you will write in your email or tell in person. If you love your job and it is important to you – tell the lady about your job. You are a great guy that spends vacations and holidays helping his single aunt to paint the fence – this is the story that will make you points in the eyes of many serious ladies.
Dear gentleman, be optimistic, friendly, witty and never negative during the first stage of your communication. And please avoid phrases like, “my matchmaker said I should give you a compliment” or “I have read in the article that I should be careful while dating on-line, because scammers are there, “can you email me your photo with no make-up?”.
I wish you successful communication with beautiful single Ukrainian ladies that will blossom into relationship leading to engagement and happy marriage.
From Svetlana Mukha, with love!)