During many first interviews with our potential male matchmaking clients I hear this question: “But what should I do if I do not like the match the personal matchmaker suggests me?”. In this article I will concentrate on the matchmaking process by Diolli.com, because matchmaking process at another boutique matchmaking service in New York for example will be different. Many our colleagues in the USA do not show their clients neither male nor female photos of their dates before the real date. You can ask now, but why a personal matchmaker would do something like that? That’s not fair! Gentlemen would mention for sure that they are visual, though from my experience I can assure you that the majority of ladies are visual as well. So why a personal matchmaker is not showing photos before the date? Doesn’t he or she like his clients? Well, actually many our colleagues do not show the photos because they actually care for the results of their clients. Sometimes singles get so stubborn with the idea to find the “perfect photo”, that they miss a chance to meet some really great people in real life. After all some people photograph extremely well, while other don’t. Also it is important to keep in mind that photo – is just a static image and it shows you just “a sample” of what a person will really look like in real life: for example, body type and hair colour. You would have to meet in person to see “the whole package”: what is the person like when he or she talks, laughs, moves, how he or she smiles and smells. You can’t date a photo, can you?
The first thing that a client and a personal matchmaker usually do not agree are the photos of potential matches
At Diolli.com we do show photos of potential matches both to our male and female clients. This is a part of our matchmaking process. A personal matchmaker usually preselects several photos that reflect the personality and the looks of the client in the most accurate way. Sometimes it is tricky. For example, during the interview by skype a male client is relaxed, he smiles a lot not only with his lips, but also with his eyes, he feels comfortable. But when you see his photos – he looks stiff and super serious and even sever. We understand that he is not used to pose for photos alone, which is ok. We ask for some additional photos – and we receive same stiff photos with no smile, so during the interviews with potential female matches a personal matchmaker has to explain to a lady, that she has to meet a gentleman in real life to jump into conclusions about his sense of humour and personality, that photos do not actually present well his personality and looks, because while talking a gentleman usually smiles a lot and is expressive, but at photos he looks like someone has forgotten about his birthday.
The situation with photos of the ladies is even trickier. At Diolli.com we usually use both professional and not professional photos when we create a profile. A lady can wear her hair up at one photo and then wear it in thick curls at the other, while during the interview her hair is long and smooth. Also she can wear one shade of a lipstick during the interview and several other shades on her photos, so this makes her look a little different at different photos. Sometimes it confuses gentlemen. The best and healthiest solution is to actually discuss your thoughts with the personal matchmaker. We had a situation when the lady has provided us with 2 or 3 photos in the same outfit only just because she had recently changed her hair style and these are the only photos she likes with the new image, but the gentleman doesn’t like the dress – he finds it too boring or to provocative. In this situation it is important to honestly discuss your concerns with the personal matchmaker, because you risk missing the great match because of the dress she might have borrowed from a friend just to take the photos.
The client doesn’t fully understand the cultural differences, so he doesn’t agree with his personal matchmaker
At Diolli.com we conduct international matchmaking so we have to pay a really close attention to the differences in culture. For example, not so long ago our male client has declined the match claiming she is “too career oriented and materialistic”. Our professional personal matchmaker and psychologist were really confused with this statement, because during the interviews the lady gave the opposite impression. During the skype call with the personal matchmaker the misunderstanding was revealed. The potential match was a head accountant at a small governmental institution in Ukraine. Usually people who choose such a position in Ukraine have to have a good education and very little career ambition. Such a job is not super stressful or demanding and you work fixed hours with no need to work extra. At the same time the salary is quite small. I had to explain to our client that this lady actually earns less than our driver, but works 9 till 5 and has all official holiday days free. At the same time head accountants who work in private sector really work long hours and earn pretty good income. The gentleman (he is from the UK) was looking at this profession from his British perspective while the personal matchmaker was suggesting the match based on Ukrainian reality. So what to do? Solution is simple – share your thought with your personal matchmaker and be ready to try to understand and accept his vision.
The client is afraid to do it “the new way” or brings his previous negative dating experience into the matchmaking process and dates with new people
Sometimes clients stubbornly stick to the idea “they know how to do it best”. At such moments it is important to keep in mind that a personal matchmaker is actually a hired professional whose job is to give you recommendations how to improve or change if necessary your current dating strategy and bring your game from good to great. If a personal matchmaker recommends you to start going out on second dates and not to wait till the “impeccably perfect” first date, he or she comes with this advice not from a secret desire to prevent you from reaching this “impeccably perfect” first date, but because a personal matchmaker realizes that you are missing great matches and do not give yourself a chance to actually get to know them better during the less stressful second date. A professional personal matchmaker provides you with dating tips and advice because he wants to prevent you from falling into dating mistakes and also he wants you to achieve the results you want. When I as a personal matchmaker recommend a male client not to send a lady he likes 20 messages per evening after just one date I do it not because I feel “greedy or envious or try to put my nose into his business”, but because I see that with those messages he can look too needy in the eyes of the lady and this will push her away and create the wrong idea about the gentleman in her eyes. Or when I as a personal matchmaker recommend a male client to avoid discussing his divorce during the first three dates with the lady, I come with this recommendation after receiving the feedback from his previous dates (all his previous dates) that they felt he was so not over his ex, so the ladies didn’t see a point to go out with him again. Or when I tell the male client that I do not recommend him to look for ladies who are 30 years younger, I do it not because “I don’t want him to date someone young and sexy”, I do it because I want to save his time and heart from heartbreak, because after interviewing hundreds of ladies I know for sure chances that someone would be open for such a big age gap are really slim.
What to do if you do not agree with your personal matchmaker?
First of all calmly discuss your concerns and thoughts and be ready to listen to the opinion of the professional. You can agree or disagree with the opinion, but keep in mind that you have actually hired a professional to get this dating advice. Professional personal matchmaker can recommend you how to improve your dating strategy and get new results, but a personal matchmaker cannot be fully responsible for your dating life, because he can’t be there with you on your dates and he can’t control your attitude and things you say. Being open-minded is a key to the successful matchmaking process. This doesn’t mean someone will give you the instruction of whom to like or whom not to like – this would make things so much easer though, but you will receive some practical dating tips and advice how to improve your dating life and meet someone great and you actually will be introduced to individually preselected singles.
Svetlana Mukha, with love