What to do when you’re dating a commitment-phobe
What is commitment in relationships? Is it just living under the same roof? It is a far more than just coexisting in one common space. You and your partner spend quality time and have a will to spend more free time in each other`s company. While shopping, doing regular purchases, you pick some items for him/her too without asking in advance, because you just want to show care to the person. If you have a key to your partner`s apartment, she definitely trusts you, I mean how many people may have an access to a house? Chances are not that high, only your parents do. Commitments in a relationship are expressed by travelling together too, you create lifetime memories, you go out of your way for one another. But it is very fragile thing, once it shattered, it is very difficult to believe again. There are so many stories of broken-hearted people, break-ups which hurt. I want to share a story of a friend who has been through one. My friend Olya had been dating a guy for 5 years, thinking he was the one, she was dreaming to live with him all life, get married and have children. He was very supportive, they were sharing amazing time as she thought. They travelled a lot, but it was always the lady`s initiative. Olya`s dream was to travel to Rome and visit all the places there with the love of her life. He didn`t do anything to fulfill this dream. Olya was thinking it is just because of financial part, so she did her best and organized a trip to Italy. She told him in advance that they would visit a fountain where all dreams come true and it is very romantic. They had been dating quite much time to finally hear the words “Will you marry me?”.So she was expecting him to do it. When they went to Rome, they visited that fountain. She was still hoping this magic moment to come. But it didn`t and he actually told that he didn`t see Olya as a wife, more like a girlfriend. Also he mentioned about break up and that he was actually was thinking to tell her but couldn`t find the courage. She was devastated, life lost all the colours and she couldn`t believe in love again. It has been 2 years already, she is still overcoming a heart pain. But if you think about it, it is not his fault completely, she just didn`t see that they are two completely different people with different interests and goals. She realizes it now too and is working on herself.
What are signs that you are dating a phobe?
- A person has a story of short relationships.
- Your girlfriend is afraid of making big decision like moving together, even though you have been together for a long time.
- Not willing to meet a family and friends.
- A person is not stable not only in romantic affairs, but also in career and hobbies.
- Issues of being loyal.
How to know if you have commitment issues? If you have recognized any mentioned points, you might have some phobias.
Fears of commitment may derive from childhood. Why do I have commitment issues? Analyze your past and find the roots where it is coming from. Are you afraid to commit in general or particularly with this person? If it is in general, you probably have commitment issues, what does it mean? Your childhood emotions and needs were not completely satisfied, you felt abandoned as a kid and might have some psychological trauma, which was not fixed at the right time. The problem may not be connected with a family, but with a previous toxic partner or just a bad experience. You might have been hurt while in love, experienced infidelity.
How to fix commitment issues?
- Stop overthinking. You shouldn`t think about the end before it even started. We sometimes build different scenarios in our heads, what if it ends in 1 month? What if I can get hurt?.
- Focus on self-esteem, you should be complete by yourself first.
- Be patient.
Overcoming fear of commitment might be tough by yourself, but if you are dating someone with fear, you may help if it is possible.
So what should you do in such case?
- Take it as it is.
- Give your partner space and freedom, don`t push and intrude into her life too much unless she wants you to.
- Set a deadline. You cannot spend all your life as well trying to fix a person, but maybe she needs more time to start trusting again.
- You should know the reason of such behavior. Be open and talk with your partner about previous experience.
It is up to you either to build a wall between you or a bridge, which leads to each other`s hearts. While many people think it can be achieved by big gestures, trust is built step by step, by small insignificant moments.