This is a very touchy topic. When you start dating someone and especially when this someone represents another culture the sex question can be tricky.
We all know how important is timing when you just start building new relationship. It is so important to give the right impression and not to ruin it at the early stage when your date doesn’t know you well enough.
It is a truly tricky question both for ladies and for gentlemen: to have or not to have sex on the first three dates? When is the right time? Will I spoil everything if I invite her/him over? Will I spoil everything if I say yes?
There is no exact rule that can apply to each situation. Of course a lot depends on the age, previous experience, religion and family traditions of your date. Two 27 years old Ukrainian girls can have opposite opinion regarding sex on the first or third date. One girl can get super offended, because the gentleman has decided to kiss her after the second date, and another girl can get truly disappointed that he didn’t.
So how to tell that the time is right?
From my matchmaking experience I can assure you that it is always better to prorogue it slightly than to spoil everything by anticipating the right moment. Several years ago one of our couples has faced this problem. After we have introduced them in Kharkov they were continuing communication by skype and messengers for almost two months. The next meeting was planned in February. The lady (32 years old) has insisted that they spend February 14th together. The gentleman has arrived to Kharkov, Ukraine on February 9th. The lady has contacted our psychologist two days after his arrival. She sounded disappointed and confused. It turned out they have spent previous two days kissing passionately, but there were no continuation, which she has expected. She told us that during his first trip to Ukraine they didn’t kiss or hold hands, because none of them seemed to be sure in this relationship, but after spending hours in skype the passion has developed and grew stronger with each day. It was not a surprise that the lady was craving for romance, attention and passion, but our male client (41 years old) seemed still not sure (the lady thought so) if he liked her or not.
We have invited our male client over to our office to have some tea and to chat. He sounded really enthusiastic about the lady, which was not a surprise, because otherwise he wouldn’t be crossing half the planet to see her again. He said that he was slightly concerned, because his date (let’s call her Inna) seemed disappointed with him and he couldn’t figure out what he did wrong. I have asked him what did he plan for February 14th. He said he was thinking about inviting her to the restaurant for a dinner and giving her flowers, perhaps tulips or daisies. I have suggested him to offer Inna two options for St. Valentine. The first option – his plan – dinner at the restaurant. The second option – sushi and movie at his place (he rented an apartment in Kharkov). He has agreed and two hours later called me to confirm my prediction: Inna has chosen sushi and a movie. I have recommended him to get her classical red roses and candles, which he did. St. Valentine went well for both of them and now they are in happy relationship planning a vacation in Greece.
Another gentleman whom we will call Bill (49 years old) after having a successful date with Tanya (34 years old) was super excited about their “relationship”. Their first date lasted almost 4 hours, and he got her email and phone number. After the date they were texting till 2 a.m.
I tell all my clients that first 2 or 3 dates are the indicators if this acquaintance can lead to relationship. First date is not a relationship yet, so there is no need to change your Facebook status to “in relationship” or “dating Tanya”. Building relationship is like learning a new dance: you have to learn the basic moves first, otherwise you will be pushing your partner and stepping on her feet.
After the wonderful first date with Tanya Bill has decided it was time to “bring their relationship to the next level”. He has invited Tanya out on a diner and after having some wine he has tried to hold her hand and to hug her. Tanya was obviously not ready for this “new move”, and she gave him signals, that she is not in the same mood. He didn’t understand her signals and she said it out loud, that she thought it was too soon for hugging and holding hands, that she is not in a hurry and neither is he. Bill has assumed that she is not interested in him. The date lasted only two hours. The next day Tanya sounded really disappointed when she was telling me how wonderful was the first date and how bad was the second.
On the first date she thought that Bill was romantic, attentive, charming and smart, which in her eyes was a 100% boyfriend material, but on the second date he seemed truly determined to spend a night with her and after she said no, he seemed to completely lose interest in her. She felt offended and disappointed, because he thought she was “that type of a girl”, who is open to have sex on the second date. I have asked Tanya which date she find suitable for intimacy. She told me that she would prefer to go out with him 2 or 3 times before they kiss and if passion is truly strong and she really likes the man, then it can be the date number 6 or 7 when she can invite a man over to her place or agree to stay at his place.
I have talked to Bill about his second date with Tanya. He told me she was not serious about him, because she has refused to hold his hand. He told me she was a “cold fish”. I have asked him did he find her a “cold fish” on the first date. He said that on the first date she was perfect – she smiled and laughed a lot, her English was really good and her accent really cute. He said they have flirted and he thought it would be a crime to “waste time”.
Tanya and Bill gave it another try and went out on a third date, but with no success, because “magic was gone” for Tanya and Bill’s attempts to bring it back were rather clumsy.
It is always tricky to choose the right time. On the one hand I always tell my clients to listen to their feelings and intuition. On the other hand I tell them to watch signals from their date. Based on the 10 years of my matchmaking experience I can think only about 2 couples whose passion was so strong at the first date that the date ended in the bedroom and several months after same passion led them to engagement and marriage. Both of these couples are still happily married. I can think of about 20-40 potential couples, who after finishing first or second date in the bedroom have completely lost interest in each other, because “magic was gone”.
It is always individual, which dating strategy to use with each exact person in each exact situation. If you use the same strategy all the time, but you are still not satisfied with the results, then perhaps it is time to change the strategy.
I wish you lots of love, passion and only happy love life!
Best Matchmaker by Idate Awards 2016